Mark’s scale, for your reference: 10 = Lassie, 1 = Cujo

Pluto: The old Disney cartoons weren’t on TV that much when I was growing up, so you sort of had to piece together what the classic characters were all about. One of the perks of going to my grandma’s house (in addition to the seemingly unlimited supply of Nilla Wafers) was that she had the Disney Channel, which did air a lot of the old shorts and helped fill in the blanks. My memories of Pluto are pretty much limited to one cartoon where he rescued another dog from a burning building while wearing roller skates (which demands major Degree of Difficulty bonus points). Rating: 8

Dire Wolf (Game of Thrones): These are basically enormous wolves, and also seem like pretty great pets. They spend most of the time wandering around who-knows-where on their own, and all you have to do is feed them the occasional would-be royal assassin. Having one could come in handy, but they’re better suited to roaming vast wildernesses or frozen tundras than apartment living (Fun fact: apparently real dire wolves roamed North America until about 9,000 years ago). Rating: 7

Marmaduke: Marmaduke is just a jerk, right? I’m asking, here. Pretty sure every comic is just different examples of Marmaduke acting like a jerk. Oh, and he’s large too. That’s the sum total of his character. A big jerk. Points also deducted for never, ever being funny. (Seriously, how does this even qualify as a joke?) Rating: 2

Brain (Inspector Gadget): What qualities do you want in a dog? Someone to fetch your slippers? Help you pick up chicks at the dog park? Greet you when you come home from a long day of work? Yeah, Brain isn’t going to do any of those things. What is he going to do? Only follow you around, do your job for you better than you could possibly do it yourself, save your life, triumph over evil, babysit the child in your care who you routinely neglect, and generally cover for your incompetence. Worried this is going to give you an inferiority complex? Don’t worry, he’s going to do all of this without your knowing. You know what? Never mind. You don’t deserve Brain. Rating: Too good for you

The Poky Little Puppy (From the book of the same name): Bonus points for cuteness, demerits for general pokiness. Rating: 5

Lady (Lady and the Tramp): Kind of uppity. Rating: 4

Tramp (Lady and the Tramp): A little rough around the edges, knows how to get free Italian food. Rating: 8

MacGruff the Crime Dog: Cool coat, good with kids, kind of chatty. Rating: 6

Hong Kong Phooey: Reportedly “Number one super guy,” but has obviously been bred for fighting. Rating: 6

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (Conan): Smokes, seems to have something weird going on with his legs/torso, and no matter how good you are to him you have to assume you’re going to be subject to regular verbal attacks. Rating: 3

Duck Hunt Dog (Nintendo’s Duck Hunt): Calls ’em like he sees ’em. Do something well? He’s proud of you. Screw up? He’s going to laugh in your face. More of a mirror of one’s own accomplishments than a pet, really. Rating: a very solid 5

Spuds MacKenzie: Depends on your lifestyle, but he seems to require zero exercise and spontaneously generates social gatherings. Owns a wide variety of Hawaiian shirts. Downside: aforementioned parties only serve Bud Light. Good for inexperience pet owners, bad for inexperienced partiers. Rating: 4

Blog Photo Credit: Growler (one of Julia’s newest, fav companies out there!)